Where to ask questions...

There is an update to this article : Self Behavior observation- Tools for introspection

We all have them. Having questions and curiosities is like "nutrition" for the (growing) Human mind.  This article is specifically referring to questions which are more Philosophical in nature rather than informative (factual).  Although philosophy itself can be called the process of  "Fact or truth finding". One can read this Wikipedia article for understanding the difference.

Why is asking those questions so important ? Well, because otherwise the growth that happens (if any) will not be monitored. The person who does not guard his/her own growth, will grow involuntarily and will not be able to "pave" his/her own path.  To understand this better, let us take an example of a weed as compared to a carefully planted sapling.  

Both will "grow" but there is a huge difference in their growths :

- Weed will grow by itself but will not be of any use to itself or anyone else. Plant on the other hand will be carefully cultivated.

- Weed will be most often seen as a nuisance by the other members of the society. But plants often get loved and respected by people.

- When the plant grows into a tree, it lives a life of service to the society and thus living a life of purpose. Unlike weeds.

- Plants, unlike weeds will have beautiful flowers, smelling great, they are a treat to the
senses too.  :)

No ! Plants (as much as we know) are not capable of this "awareness" , but we humans are !!!  

The Question :

Am I growing into a weed OR  a useful plant ? 

(might be a harsh, yes, but asking it is important for self development).

Anyone who examines, re-examines and tries to find answers for life's problems, will definitely have a life of purpose.  And the purpose here is not to reproduce, and have have children well settled, earning more and more money, But the reference here is to a greater purpose than that.
If one finds it, happiness will come following that  "Sense of purpose in life". To understand this, you may choose to go ahead and read this article in psychology today.

Once we understand the significance of questions in our life, the next step is where to go for the answers ??  How to find them ??

Life is surely difficult.  Most people do not have the time and/or the mental energy to ponder on things and "questions" like this.  Also technology today, has given us a great tool to find answers -  the Internet and the Search Engines !!

Search engines are a great tool, it has been such a life saver for school and college projects ! The Internet has given us almost everything we need  ?? Think again,  EVERYTHING ??

There are things that no one can give to us, except ourselves.  That is the reason why, when  we seemingly have all things in life, we still remain unhappy or discontent. Happiness comes but goes away quickly again.  

If we want permanent, satisfying answers to life's harsh realities, we must seek the answers inside of us, not in the outside world. In fact the more one begins to depend on self for finding "the answers", the more  that person will grow.  Just to point out, Meditation might be a great tool for this  - growing into a flowering plant that gives relief to all senses.

There is immense joy in working on our own problems ourselves.  No one, absolutely, no one can answer your questions for you the way you can !! Yes people can help you, but only you can find  the ultimate answers.

Conclusion : If you want a more satisfying experience of life, begin to find the answers "inside" your mind, yourself.

The path might be difficult, but once the destination is found,  It is the garden of Eden......nothing like it  !!

Be sure to try it sometime. Whether you are beginning or are already on the way, no matter, please click "comment" below and share your experiences and thoughts.

Thank you Google for the help with Images   :)

Three preliminary steps to finding "peace of mind"

Each being in this world , only desires one thing - "Happiness". He tries and tries multiple ways to achieve the simple little things in life. And happiness does come, but goes away soon. Thus the effort for achieving "something" begins once again !!!  This is a never ending process.  

This race with self, time and the world can be understood in technical language as 

 "self actualization".    Some people know it as "Nirvana"

And every being, somewhere deep inside, drives for  it. Even if they are not specifically aware of it.

This is an effort to grow and motivate  others grow...grow Together.

To COGNIZE  is to perceive, become conscious, grow - check it on Dictionary.com

Preliminary Steps for finding 

peace of mind  (and Hence, the goals of this place) :

- To "think" , think and think

Choosing to think and ponder over issues means that one has chosen not to ignore them. If one chooses to deliberately think about things, in the end, they will always find the "true" answer to the questions and issues at hand.

- To "question" our own beliefs and that which are widespread in the society.

   To simply accept what is going on around oneself and inside oneself is not like a "growing person". Beliefs are formed  due to many factors. It is a sign of a "mature mind" that  they learn to question their own beliefs again and again.

Because, what was true yesterday in a given situation might not be true today, the situations might have changed. The goal is to be skeptical of everything and accept them only after inspection.

To keep up with the "law of change" one has to keep questioning belief systems.

- To "analyze"  life and every aspect that touches it.

    Thinking about and questioning all aspects of life is a part of analysis. However to complete the process in a proper manner one has to be able to do it in an "Un-Biased" manner. Being unbiased, truthful and honest to self is very important in this search for the reality, the truth.

Therefore , in the midst of a busy, stressful life to find a way for  "Self realization".

Remember, these are the very basic and preliminary steps to finding peace. If you follow these steps, at first you might be facing trouble, but at the end of the road, you WILL find peace, provided, you are prepared to walk till the very end. There are no gains without pains  :)

You might also consider reading this.

              

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Ladies !! Why not pray to Hanuman "Bhaiyya" ???

My lifelong search for the supreme power has led me to a way of life different from "idol worship". But I respect all those who practice it.

This post is for those people who believe in "a particular"  Hindu God and and are devout worshipers.  Some adore "Ganpati" (symbol of wisdom and trouble remover), some "Laxmi" (the symbol of prosperity), some adore "Saraswati" (the symbol of knowledge and education) and some others pray to Lord "Hanuman" -  the western world knows him as the "monkey God"  and he is the symbol of strength, power, wisdom, friendship. This post is for Devout Hanuman worshipers.

Now the thing is that Hanuman is said to have been "Bal Brahmchaari" (a celibate, since birth) some people who believe in Hanuman and worship him, also believe that it is only for men to worship him and women "MUST" keep away from his thoughts or his worship.

MY QUESTION : 

Why should women keep away from worshipping Hanuman just because he was a Brahmchaari OR celibate ? Is there only one kind of relationship between men and women ??

Logically, if a woman is being raped and she urges Hanuman for help, what kind of reply do you think he would give : 

" I will not help you because you are a woman"

Or 

"yes my dear sister/daughter even before you tell me, I will fight all the evil to protect all the innocent"

Which reply seems more likely to you ??

My conclusion, there is nothing wrong with the concept of women worshiping hanuman.

Why I made this conclusion, the points are listed below for further thought :

1.  A "brahmchaari" is a person who keeps away from sexual relationships.  But this does not mean that brahmchaari's do  not have sisters, mothers, adopted daughters and so on...

 So a Bramhchaari or a Baal-Brahmchaari can very well have women in his life with all the other relationships but not sex.  Hanuman, was no different.

2. Hanuman had a very good relationship with  "Sita" who was a woman and Ram's wife. He called her "sister- in law" with respect. (Literature says so) . Infact he even offered her to take her with him from Raavan's palace back to where her husband was waiting for her. This point supports my point number one. 

3. Hanuman is the protector of "good" and he fights evil. he will do it without any kind of discrimination because discrimination itself promotes evil.

If you think I have missed something, please make a comment and add your suggestions.

Mistakes we make....

As human beings we all make mistakes. When we look back at life, we realize that

some mistakes we made were more serious than some others. 

It is only human to make mistakes... It  takes a "growing mature human"  to acknowledge those mistakes and accept them at the intellectual and emotional level.  

Some people prefer to hide the mistakes they make from their younger ones , even from themselves by denying ("Denial" is a defense mechanism that all human beings use, this use is reduced in some mature human beings).

But human beings tend to take for granted that : 

1.  Truth will always come out in one way or the other

2.  They are constantly setting example for their young one's by how they choose to live their life.

3. Even if we hide it/deny it,  out behavior has and will always have an effect on out personality, it is better that we acknowledge the facts and change the course of life towards having a clear (er) conscience...

Yes,  when we are not used to doing this, it seems obviously a difficult job. But it is very important that by doing the right behavior we set an example for those are younger to us, specially our direct descedents.

To err is human; to forgive, divine.
Alexander Pope

PS : I have posted the pics in both English and Hindi ,

the two languages I seem to know the best :)

The love for animals

There are some people who love animals, there are others who don't. Then there are some who work very passionately for animals, the reason they say - We Love them ! Understandable, they love them so they help them. But we all have friends who think they love animals, but also indulge into actions which are harmful or hurting to them. They love animals, but seldom/never become a part of their welfare. How is that ? So I started searching the answer to this question, is this love for animals or just Fascination for animals ?

PS : Just a reminder, Love and fascination both are positive emotions.

 After my search I deduced these two main points of thought:

Love:We all have some loving relationships in life, so we all have experienced what love is, and how one feels in it. I think you will agree that in love what gives the most amount of  joy is "to give". We do expect returns, Yes, but to give to someone we love gives us special contentment and bliss.And to give and make the other happy is the primary feeling in love.

Fascination:Whereas in fascination or mere liking, the primary feeling is the joy that people derive in being with their beloved.So talking in context of animals, they are really happy and impressed in animal company or looking at animal behavior.They appreciate the unconditional love that animals are known to give. But this is not love for animals because the the primary feeling here does not involve the feeling "to give", even at the cost of some personal sacrifice. 

Love : As I said above in love we want to give to the beloved. There is also another opposite extreme to this.When we love, will seldom "consciously" (if ever) indulge into behaviors which we know are going to harm our beloved. Their suffering or pain  will also give us pain which we all want to avoid at all costs, unless we know that this pain is temporary and in the long run it will be beneficial for our beloved.

Fascination : As we know that many people who think that they love animals also indulge into other behaviors which are harmful to animals like eating them, wearing their skins etc.. This behavior is at the other end of "the feeling to give". This is not just the lack of the feeling to give but the "feeling to take" is rated so high here that, it can hardy be called love for animals Whether this can even be called fascination is the question ?

People fascinated by animals :

• It can be very easy to get confused between the two feelings because both are positive. And it involves some analytical thinking and introspection to understand and differentiate between the two.

• What they really mean when they say that "We love animals" is that we are "fascinated by animals". 

• What they want to say is that animals are charming, cuddly little beings whom we appreciate and like.

Attack On Mumbai

Many families who were already suffering in the pains of having lost their loved ones by brutal murder in the name of religion are now joined by some more !!! How helpless do we feel in such situations.I am referring to the terror attack on Mumbai on July 13, 2011. Three blasts took place all within about 10 minutes and in very crowded and important places of Mumbai - Opera house, Dadar west and Zhaveri bazaar. 

It takes years to construct  but only a few seconds to destruct ! Sometimes I wonder at the variety of Human Psyche. There are some who go beyond everything to keep Humanity alive, others just live to earn money not necessarily being bothered by other's pains. But there has to be some "brain Virus" that some actually feel content after killing the people innocent and unknown. Whatever the mission is, is it greater than the Conscience ? Some people have a highly awakened conscience, some can have  an idle conscience but these guys seem to have no conscience !!

With time though at least some things have changed for the good. Now with the advent of technology and with increased reach to it, people are finding new ways of helping each other in times of crisis. 

I came to know that this time people used social networking site "Twitter" to help those in dire need of it.From passing emergency contact information to. posting  urgent messages like "B positive blood required at so and so hospital". I got to know about this news from an Indian news channel called  "CNN IBN". But it not just CNN IBN that reported this but also other major channels like Star news , The times of India .

This was an emergency situation alright. But at other times too a helping hand was offered aided by technology and such efforts are more than  noticeable.Like in Facebook, I keep coming across some altruistic groups who not only gather people and make online communities for different causes but also Raise money for charity ! So they almost work like Virtual NGOs. 

As much as I feel sad about the people who lost their family members, from the medium of this write up I also want  thank all those people involved in the good work from wherever and however possible. If you the reader were also the one who helped, Thank you ! 

Choosing a perfect Life Partner

We all need a life partner who can share the joys and sorrows of life with us. A life partner is a person who will occupy a very important place in our life. A person with whom we like to walk till the very end of the road.. We all want our life to be as close to "an ideal life" as possible and we all have our opinions about what an ideal life is. Because of the amount of  impact this person is going to have on our life, and the position he/she will hold for us, we want to be so sure that we find the best partner or should I say, a "perfect partner".

So what do we typically look for in a partner ?? Men and women have different parameters to consider in their prospective partners. Psychologists have spent years researching this topic and these are some of the points they concluded :

Most women predominantly get attracted to men who :

- Have power
- Are rich
- have a strong status in the society.
- are physically strong.

Most men predominantly get attracted to women :

- who are have a symmetric face.
- who show signs of good health
- who have a good waist to hip ratio :) (waists being narrower and the hips being broader).


 Let me also point out  that these selection factors that I mentioned above, happen in the heads of the people unconsciously, and they are not necessarily aware of such thoughts and processes.
Choices and preferences still vary from people to people. The more they are in an ideal (or at least imaginary ideal) positions, the higher the standards for their prospective life partners are likely to be.

So,we now know why women and beauty and men and power were overly paired together always !! :) But we also know that such a strong association which is done without complete conscious awareness, can lead to serious personality problems in some members of  society. This is just one reason why we need to look beyond perfection in people.

When we look at people as prospective partners, we are sure to find something in their personality which we dislike. We always have things about ourselves, our friends, family members, that we wish we could change. If we really look closely at people we know, how many of us can really claim to know a person who is perfect ?? Perfect in a sense, without ANY flaws ! I think most people will agree that finding such a person is only next to impossible !!

As I have always said, we all have this knowledge, but it not the knowledge but the awareness or "cognizance" that counts. Just like any change is difficult to accept a change to our marital status in the society, being associated to a new person too can sometimes be a little difficult for some people irrespective of the partner's social status. (here I am specially referring to arranged marriages).

There can be no perfect person, only near perfect matchmaking. How close the match is to perfection, depends largely on the two people involved in it.Therefore the threshold and meaning of perfection have to be seriously considered.
Wiser people will know this and will accept a person with his/her flaws so that they can also expect to be accepted the same way :) Wise people will learn this the hard way.. and there will still be others who will have so much of a problem learning this truth that, they will never be able to enjoy life to the fullest !.


Image courtesy : Google images

Mothers Who Were Never Pregnant !!

The word I like to utter again and again and again non stop is "mummy" or "mommy" . This word by itself is very sweet. I think most of you will agree with me ?

What makes the word so sweet.. the sound of it ? I think it is the feeling that the word gives us just as we utter it that makes it so beautiful. The feeling of being cozy, being in a very safe place - her laps, being loved and kissed endlessly :) Who will not like to be cared like this ? Without doubt nobody on earth can replace mothers :)

But who is a mother ? The woman who gives birth to a child ? I think there is more meaning to this word. I have seen many people working tirelessly towards fulfilling needs of others who were not necessarily born to them. Many a times it is as selfless and unconditional too. So what if they have not given birth to the one they care for, I think it is motherly love and care that matters the most. Sadly, many times society does fail to realize the importance of many such people living in their very neighborhoods. I think, They need to be respected and loved just like a mother is respected and loved. In fact, I think most of you will agree that this kind of motherhood is much more difficult. Consider how easy or difficult it is it to be around a very ill person (who is not your biological child) and is bedridden for a few days and needs someone to be there with them ?

Social workers - Who are not working for money, contribute their psychological and physical resources to taking care of any particular given group. Yes, sometimes altruism is not the sole motivating factor for some, but why should the rest be punished ?Many social workers actually undergo tremendous pain in life for the work that they do for the needy . Yet sometimes fail to get recognized for their sacrifices and selfless motives !! I think recognition of their efforts is very important for the benefit of the society.

In fact many cultures like Christianity and Hinduism even have words like "Mata" (means mother in Hindi) and "Mother" referring to non biological mothers.Well, The first name that comes to my mind is Mother Teressa.

Image coutesy : Google images

P. Sainath in an eye opening speech in Toronto :

Hi Friends, this my first post after my marriage and again after a long time ! This time I am want to share with you something that was en eye opener for me. This is a video about 55 minutes long by the renowned Journalist Palagummi Sainath. He gave this speech in Toronto, Canada in March 2010.

All of you who are interested in the issues such as economics, use of the world resources,food shortage of the world, world poverty,farmers of India, development of India and like issues, I assure you, You will not be disappointed listening to him. :)

For all others it is an analysis that we must consider listening and sharing :)

Please click on the video to open it in a bigger window on youtube.

Education just for money ?

Anuj (an imaginary name) is a very well read man. His general knowledge is very good and the number of books in his home is unmatched with the average man. He has even earned a prestigious degree. You ask him one question and he is most of the time in the position to answer more than you expected :)

But if you watch him carefully, you will find him spitting on the road and throwing away anything waste anywhere in the public place. He could not manage having healthy relationship with his immediate family members. He lacks Assertiveness. In other words... his behavior is not the kind which one could exemplify to the younger generation and even fellowmen.

THE QUESTION/S :

Is Education a mere collection of data and information in this personal computer called brain?

Or is it meant to be showing up in people's very subtle behaviors? Is getting a high paid job the prime reason behind being/getting educated?

Is making a good family/society/life not a major reason?

Well, this is what Wikipedia has to say about the word education.

I think, when we call someone an educated person or for that matter when we call ourselves educated we rarely ever think of this word "education" beyond the collection of degrees and general knowledge. I think the meaning and implications of this word has frequently changed in this competitive society.

But why is it important to consider the appropriate meaning and of this word "education" ? Simply because it has a very very important and wide impact on the society and its ways. We want an educated society so that we have a healthy and a happy society with lesser problems. But if we happen to limit the meaning and implication of this word to mere collection of degrees then we shall have more people in the society who have never assimilated the good things that they learned in school and college. If the learning does not get assimilated then it will not show up in behavior, taking us to a society which is highly "paper educated" but lesser truly educated. And that is what is happening to us today slowly as we progress in numbers.

That is why we have so many educated people who still believe in (and practice very seriously) behaviors like sex selection of the offspring, wife battering, inequality of all kinds, violence,(both physical and psychological which is very common), mismanagement of public properties such as throwing away of religious waste in water bodies, creating noise pollution and graffiti on our historical walls, unhealthy relationships and so on...

Like, I would like to share a happening that I can relate to this post very well. It was Diwali 2009, and little children were playing firecrackers. Then I saw some nearby children (of people who live below poverty line) coming to our building and sitting in one corner of the compound - the reason of them coming there as I understand was that, their parents could not afford to buy those cracker toys for them and so they were attracted towards (at least)watching the other children play ! Since it was a party that we (as a community) arranged we had dinner too. One sweet lady from our community offered something to eat to one of those children. And the other said to this sweet woman -"aap log hi aise logon ko sar par chadhaate ho !! " ( (Approximate meaning it is people like you who encourage such people !!)

So the choice is ours !! What kind of a society do we want for us and our next generation?



Image Courtesy: photobucket.com

Are you reluctant to critics and critisism ?

What's your most common reaction to criticism  directed towards you?

Some people associate being critical with being less faithful , less sincere and such other negative feelings. But the question at hand is that is it really so ?

Personally for me, I have noticed when someone/something is very near and close to me I feel more free to be critical of that person or thing. For example, Let me begin with myself .. I think I am biggest critic of my own personality, and I do this purposefully in order to grow. No criticism , no growth for me (But I also remember to take care of the positive points). Same holds true for my loved ones, my work, some of  my close friends, and everyone/everything that I think is close to me and is mine !

But  when it comes to giving an ear to criticism it's not that easy for everyone, I guess first we need to analyze if it is really important to us and then we need to also "learn the art of accepting criticism". Since I am such a big critic, It's easy for me to critically analyze all things that are around me. When I do that I am almost always doing it because I love the one I criticize and I do it with the goal of growth in my mind :).  Once I was talking to my friend about my country and it's many shortcomings,  (who I later realized was not so open to listening to my criticism and took it not as a  token of my love for my country but otherwise) where I was comparing it to another  more developed nation...and it was not taken in good spirits of course. Then I gave a thought to the whole situation and questioned myself.... was I wrong ? I have noticed so many people getting on their nerves when they listen to ANYTHING negative about what is their own or what they associalte with their identity.

My question is that if we remain so anti criticism, how the hell on earth do we expect ourselfs to improve ? Then the only other way out is to not improve !!   :) 

There are two major beliefs that are anti criticism :

1. Some people seem to believe that criticizing or listening to any criticism for someone/something that is their own is equal to being unfaithful or insincere. Such people react very emotionally to criticism and are less likely to "GROW"  from it. For example : I know of a man who just knows many of his fathers shortcomings but always denies them when confronted. 

2. Some people believe that Criticism is something that is negative and bad. They have probably always overlooked its benefits and uses.

Some points in this regard to consider :

1. We all play the critics at some point or the other for someone or the other.

2. Criticism can be difficult to accept (at least immediately) but if taken in the right spirits can be really helpful in the development process.

3. All criticisms are open to either acceptance or rejection but before accepting or rejecting a piece of criticism, we need to analyze it RATIONALLY.


4. Those who can accept criticism and give a thought over it, are most likely to be very confident people.


5. Criticism as a growth technique should not be offered (or should be sparingly offered) to people who have a low self image or a low confidence as it might lead to more problems instead of help !

I found this article on ehow about  how to deal with criticism , for anyone who might be interested.

By the way, this blog and the blog post/s are open to critics and criticism, In fact they are welcome !!!  :)

Image courtesy : Photobucket.com and Google image search.

How these kids helped another "kid" in need...

I got these pictures through a friend, worth having a look J

Don't we want every child that we come accross , to be

as sensitive and as humane as these adorable kids ? J

Is there a connection between noise and celebrations ?

Once again I am going to talk in this post with special reference to our (Indian) culture in the present times and the "mistakes" that we make as a group. I am attempting to look in the minds of my fellow brothers and sisters ands understand the reasons for some of our peculiar behaviors.

The behavior of which I am making note here today is that, we tend to celebrate (it may be any celebration) with a lot of noise. We have a whole lot festivals in a year... the most recent one was “Ganesh Chaturthi" (Since I am in Mumbai therefore bigger celebrations for this festival). Like every year. There were visarjanas taking place on various days during this 10 day festival. There would be long Ques on the road with different mandals taking Ganpati for immersion and almost all of them bring a band along with them on the way to the immersion site. Not one, not two but multiple bands are playing at the same time… ending up in nothing but a cacophony!! These bands anyways do not play any meaningful music. It is really very sad that for different reasons, not one of them which are likely to be practical and factual, we behave in ways which are less civilized!

We are in society, and every society has some more vulnerable people like the old , pregnant women, people with hypertension or any other disease which makes them highly sensitive to noise, poor animals on the streets and in the homes (The hearing capability of most animals like cats and dogs is many many times more than us which makes them HIGHLY vulnerable to deafness or madness because of noise pollution during Diwali and other festivals).

I totally fail to understand HOW can be so insensitive towards the needs of those who reside alongside us and still call our self educated and civilized!! It is noteworthy that, in the modern world that man has created for himself, there are already enough sources of noise which are invariably harming the environment (therefore harming us). But many of these are factors are less controllable. The topic that I am dealing with here is the kind of noise pollution that can be totally avoided !! So are we trying enough to stop or avoid the harm that we can?

I thought about some probable reasons, why we as a community make our celebrations noisy:

1. Our thought process is such that, if we do not make noise (which many people call music) there is a subtle fear that we will be interpreted as "less happy".
2. We have never thought about other, more peaceful ways of celebrating.
3. Today when the world has started getting more aware about climate change and how we humans are causing it, we as a national community seem to be totally ignorant about it.
4. "Sensitivity towards the needs of others" has gone somewhere at the bottom in the list of our value systems, (and selfishness seems to have come up?) such that we really do not care as to how much we are harming others by some of our actions.
5. Probably some people might even be scared that if celebrations are not done in this particular way, the Gods may not be happy about it and subsequently we might get punished !! J
6. This way of marking and announcing our celebrations has now become a norm and to change this norm is becoming difficult for us.

Any opinions in this matter, specially by those who have experienced this factor? Comments are welcome and will be appreciated J

Just as I was writing this article, I realized that there was an NGO in Mumbai city -"Awaaz.org" working towards this cause. This is what they have to say about this issue.

Picture courtesy : Sundaytimes.lk

The Indian daughters in Law: What goes wrong in the adjustment process after marriage?

When a girl gets married in India, there is one most common piece of advice given to her.

“You have to adjust in the new environment that you are moving to. It is your responsibility that you keep everyone in your new family happy”.

Then as she enters her new home which is often a completely unfamiliar and unknown environment, all the eyes are set on her, all expectations are made from her and her only. She is judged and rated at every step that she takes [even on things that she cannot change. For example her physical features]. The fact is that because the girl is often very nervous and less experienced to know all the “rules”, it is natural for her if she makes some silly mistakes or fails to come up to the many expectations from her.

The Question:

Is it the only the newly wed girl’s responsibility to adjust to the change which came about by marriage? Is the family that she newly became a part of, not equally responsible for it?

When a marriage happens (especially in the Indian context) it is not only the couple who is undergoing a change of life. It is often the whole immediate family members who are entering a new phase of life. Because there is a change in everybody’s life, it might be rational to say that everybody should be equally responsible for taking the plunge into the adjustment process and not just the new bride. In reality, the newly wed girl is responsible for this adjustment and if anything goes wrong, she is held for it without any major thought given to the situation. It is worth noting that anyone in the family who is “genuinely interested” in having a happy family and life long of sweeter relationships, should take his/her share in this adjustment to change.

Some points worth noting in connection to the above question:

1. Often in a marriage the girl who has just got married is in a minority position. She has to face a majority of people in her new family.

2. The girl is likely to be young, less experienced and nervous.

3. If the adjustment process will be shared by everybody in the family equally, the adjustment and the relationships will be highly likely to be much better.

4. It is irrational and baseless to have one sided expectations when the relationships are always two/multi sided.

I am sure you too, like me have seen so many families which end up breaking or end up having most the bitter relationships. May be this is one major reason for it ? What do you say ?

Image courtesy : cgtantra.com and google image search.

Fact Vs. Opinion

Have you ever thought if you are living you life by facts or by opinions or have you given thought that how does this actually impact your life ?

Understanding the difference between Opinions and facts is important for several reasons. But this post is particularly concerned with one factor – the disturbance that can be avoided in daily life just by understanding and practicing this difference. We need to know two things:

1. What is the difference between the two
2. Why is this difference important and what happens when this difference is taken for granted.

What is the difference between opinions and facts?

A fact is something that can be proved. It is something that has evidence to support it. For Example: “Elephants are herbivorous animal”, this statement is a fact because it is supported by evidence. But a statement like “Delhi is the better place to live in India than Mumbai” is an opinion. Opinions might be supported by evidence or might not get supported by evidence. But Facts are always supported by Evidence/s. Some readers might need more examples; so for them I am presenting a small table below:

	Facts	Opinions
1	That AIDS is caused by transmission of infected blood.	That AIDS is caused by touching the infected person.
2	That congress (I) won the general elections in India in 2009 for the second consecutive time.	That the Congress (I) deserves to be the ruling party.
3	A balanced Vegetarian diet has multiple health benefits.	Being a non vegetarian is fashionable.
4	That cats are carnivorous animals.	That cats are “bad” animals.

Modern day science is based on facts. Science cannot rely upon opinions although doctors, scientists like everyone else can have a “difference of opinions”. So it wouldn’t be wrong if I say that our modern day life and all the benefits that we grab from modern science today are all because of the “Facts” that were gathered by some hard working people and NOT opinions. People whose opinions are based on facts are more sort of rational persons. On the contrary people who rest a majority of actions and behaviors on “opnions”which are different from what is factual might have to deal with a lot of maladjustments. Yes they have the right to do so, but then they should be taking the responsibility to bear the consequences.

Don’t facts deserve more respect and attention that they generally get? Why in our daily life do we take for granted the importance and meaning of facts? The same facts which have almost gifted us our life!!

Opinions can be misleading !!

Every one of us has opinions. Just having an opinion which differs from the facts does not make such a difference. The biggest mistakes are made when the most important decisions of life are made based on such opinions and not facts!When all the major actions, behaviors and lifestyle decisions are based on opinions and not facts. I might not like a fact or I might not agree with it, but I cannot refute it. Trying to refute it will mean that I am trying to swim against the flow of the river. One day I was having a conversation with someone, who was of the opinion that the best way to discipline children is to hit them. I pointed it out to him that there is evidence and now it is a well accepted fact that there are numerous researches which show that hitting does not help in the long run, further it has also been proved (therefore a matter of fact) that “Reinforcements” always work better than “punishments” in the domain of Behavior Modification. But this man would not budge! In fact he was trying to refute all the studies. But I have encountered such people many times who would not think twice before trying to refute facts. I have given a deep thought to the reasons for this behavior. Though I have still failed to understand this behavior completely I drew the following two conclusions:

1. Since they have held these opinions for a long time, they find it difficult to listen and accept something new that does not match their thinking; the main cause for which is “EGO” (and there can be multiple emotional reasons).
2. Relying upon facts is not as important to them, as their personal opinions about the issue. So, they do not believe in relying upon facts and evidences.

An example: Assuming that he uses this technique to discipline his children, He probably is not at all aware about the consequences of standing for his opinions against the facts. Like in this case where physical punishment is used the child runs at a risk of developing a low self esteem OR the child also might be on a risk to be turn into a rebellion. Human reactions can never be guaranteed. The central question is that - If his children start showing signs of ill psychological health later in life, will he take responsibility to cause them this pain and loss ? OR instead, will he blame his children for their behavior ?

As I said, in most cases reactions cannot be guaranteed, therefore there are very few laws in Psychology. But if we all were to deny what has been systematically proved by a full fledged science, are we not being foolish in keeping our opinions above science ?

If you are thinking that this man is being harsh, let me present you a worse example: many daughter in laws in India get very extremely maltreated, here is one major reason - that she is repeatedly gives birth to only a girl child (boys have traditionally been regarded highly in orthodox Indian societies) though there can be many reasons for such maltreatment. In this case the contrasting fact that has been taken for granted is that - Male child is always a result of a “Y” chromosome which comes only from the father and “never” the mother. There are innumerable examples of how peoples opinions {which are often baseless) can create so many problems for them, for the others and for the society as a whole. If I say that Indian culture today has become very unscientific, will it be a fact or an opinion? If an opinion then what category opinion?

An opinion based action is not always wrong or harmful. Opinions can be of three types:

A. Independent opinions that yet need to be tested for their authenticity

B. Opinions based on facts.

C. Opinions which stand against the facts.

Out of these three, as we see only the third category is dangerous. Even then, it becomes dangerous essentially only when a person does not realize that it is merely and opinion and bases his/her/someone else’s whole life on such opinions.

May be the following can help:

1. It becomes our moral responsibility to get to know the facts before build an opinion about anything.
2. We verify and ask ourselves if our opinion/s are based on a fact, if it is not based on a fact, then is it against a fact?
3. What will be the likely consequences of the actions that we take based on such opinions which currently stand against the facts?
4. We should take the responsibility incase the consequences of the actions which come from the third category opinions are highly undesirable.

For example: If Rakesh and Rima go through an amniocentesis and find out that their unborn child is abnormal and if he/she is born, will never be able to live a normal and healthy life (a fact). But they feel that terminating this pregnancy is not something that they want to do for emotional reasons (an opinion). It would be better if they ask themselves the third and the fourth questions at least!

Finally it is worth noting that this post is an “A” category opinion !! J J